Lists are supposed to be popular on blogs. I read somewhere that if you can’t think of anything to write and nothing funny is going on in your life, to make a list and everyone on Earth and a couple of planets in a galaxy far, far away will read your stuff.
So, here is my list of stuff I know about men.
They are very knowledgeable about porn, cars and sports equipment.
I know this because they helped me shop for some… sports equipment and cars, that is. When I was younger and into more sporty things than I am now and was trying to get the really hot sporty jock kind of guy to notice me.
The jocks never talk to nerdy chicks
Or ask them out on dates, regardless of how much sports equipment nerdy chicks ask advice on.
They can’t cook.
I know this because I did all the cooking.
They’re very smart.
I know this because I did all the cooking.
And the cleaning.
They can identify a Maserati just from the sound of the engine.
They want a Maserati, but the guys I know cannot afford one.
We all get older. I recently took some time to reflect on my life. I created a list of things that every woman should have. This list applies if you are 22 or 55 or 67. I also included a list of things every women should know.
Some of the things on this list were borrowed from Glamour magazine.
One old boyfriend who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
The knowledge of how to entertain unexpected guests and a house clean enough that you won’t be embarrassed when someone does drop by unexpectedly, but not so clean you make your guests uncomfortable.
A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth you’re content to move beyond.
A past interesting enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
A set of good dishes.
A pretty journal and the time to write in it
A set of screwdrivers, a hammer and a lace bra.
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
There are also some things that every woman should know:
How to fall in love without losing yourself.
How to comfort someone who is in mourning.
How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
How to find joy in the little things: A circus, a thank you card, a pretty sunset.
The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best dry cleaner in town.
How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
Where to get a picture framed professionally, who to ask for advice, and what to wear to a cocktail party.
That you can’t change the size of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
Why they say life begins at 50 and 50 is the new 40.
How to be comfortable when you are by yourself for an extended period of time.
Previously published material. Cannot be reproduced with the written permission from the author.
By the gods, a frost. An age has crept by More swiftly than Hermes’ winged passage. And shadows grow in strength and depth and height. Time chills the meadows of tattered spring blossoms.
By the gods, snowfall comes. An age has begun. Recall the season of Demeter’s tears And dry leaves are rushed across stone paths And down the lane that leads to you… and love.
Forget all the deadly storms that threaten To encompass the heart of the goddess: That briefly touched the soul of the flower.
It is the moment of crystal clock works That chime to announce a cycle of spring And foretell of hope’s bright flight to Love’s house
And it dwells within the heart of roses. By the gods, Love arrives to embrace the time.
Spring explodes in rapturous dainty trills And glorious flowers. It has begun, The season of beginning, with dales and hills Dressed in the blanket of fairy fun.
Sun sets on the last chill eve of winter. The promise of plenty and kind beauty Is o’er the world when the dawn enters With blazing brass and boundless bounty.
Softly, the voices arise, like the first bright Lark song when it meets heavens bowers. Ever more gentle, caressing and light Fairies dance among the tiny flowers.
If this be spring, living in beauty bright, Blossoms chase away the deepening night.
When lost in moments of deep silent thought I conjure up dreams that Time has erased And remember all the angry words wrought By my witch’s heart in torment encased.
White water rapids are green eyes blue For precious friends hidden deeply inside And weep anew with each tender new clue Time old, but recalled, still wanting to hide.
A heavy grief felt for those not forgiven And heavier still, their innocence abounds. In thought revived, reminded, and enlivened And my mind and soul, the anguish surrounds.
But for a while, I think on you, dear friend All losses restored and all sorrows end.
Previously published material. Cannot be reproduced without written permission from the author.(c) copyright 1999 Karen Vertigan
As heaven puts on her evening gown of deepest blue, I think of you Anxious One that I have become when Helios rested from his charge Do you hear my song slipping from me with all of my earthly feelings? It soars high as Aurora’s hem on sprouted wings of rhyme and verse And flies whitely, in caressing circles, gently touching your smile My heart, clothed in a timid shroud, begs for release from its bonds To touch the soul of the music pouring from your mystic fingers Do you know that my love is growing in my restricted chest Until the moment it is released with a burst of brilliant words That challenge Nyx’s dark dress of despair and loneliness? If you are the dreamer in this night, then I am what you dream But when you awaken from your slumber, I am your need And I grow in my love, stronger when you think on me A Nova of starshine that waits in the vast silence of the dome For the music of the first kiss…
Published in an anthology of poems titled Connections: Contemporary Verse From Around the World, Sharon Derderian and Robert Lawrence, Editors, Iliad Press, 1999.
I went to a website called The Wayback Machine which is an archive for old websites. I used to own a site where I posted things I had written wayback when. I will share many of the stories and poems here.
To Your Eyes
Karen Vertigan Pope
For A Long Forgotten Old Boyfriend… written on Wednesday Morning 2.10.99
Penned on an envelope while musing and found after three years while cleaning out an old filing cabinet which was stuffed with trash worthy papers.
Your eyes are things that capture and hold And pull me closer to where you are Dark and lovelier still, they call out With an owl flight voice of such sweetness That bearing it is a bright burden What secrets do you conceal in the depths? Oh, beautiful eyes that you are. I behold life in your eyes A flower: Yes, opening, glittering with dawn’s dew A melody: Yes, touching the soul as only beauty can Sensual curves of creativity Speak to me in a new language Show to me an abstract landscape Sings in a voice of such purity That rising, it brings me nearer to Heaven than ever I have approached before And seeing them for the first time I did not know eyes could be so brown Nobody, not even the song of the lark, has such soft eyes… O, beautiful eyes that you are!
Love is actually everywhere you look. Most of the time it is not earth shattering or even remarkable. Most of the time it is those tiny moments when we are struck with the simplicity of the emotion.
If you look, and not even very hard, you will find examples of love flowing in lives. Touching each of the senses. Some examples:
Hearing
I stand in line at the check out in a department store and a woman in front of me is on her cell phone. Not an unusual sight these days. She gets a particular smile and her face and then tells the phone, “I love you, too, sweetheart.” My imagination takes over. Was she talking to her husband? Boy friend? Maybe a child. Hearing love is true music.
Sight
I sit at a stoplight, eager as everyone else for it to change so we can progress to the next stoplight. In front of me a man is driving and a woman rides shotgun. He leans over and kisses her, tenderly and slowly on her lips, passing the time until they can proceed.
Smell
I approach the barista and ask her if they have Kenya Coffee. She smiles and says yes, hands me a bag of coffee beans and rings up my purchase. All the way home, the scent of the best coffee in the world fills my car. I get home, open the bag and inhale deeply, allowing the scent to overwhelm me. Coffee Love. Perfect.
Taste
Everyone has a favorite flavor. For many it is chocolate, or bacon or oranges. The happiness that happens when something touches our tongue and awakens the sense of taste is delightful. It is love. How often do we say, I love dark chocolate or I love lasagna. Food is love. Taste is love. Sharing food is love. Just ask any chef.
Touch
The tactile sense is overpowering at times. I find myself walking through a store and gently caressing the clothes on the rack, or the yarn in the bin. Judging the textures. Enjoying the feeling. Did you know you have nearly as many nerves in your feet as in your fingers? The best feeling is when I take off my shoes and caress my feet with the carpet under me. The motion is deliberate, moving my feet to and fro. I allow my toes to clutch the carpet fibers and relaxation washes over me. Love.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love. Love makes the world go ‘round. All you need is love. Love is a many splendored thing. When I seek love, I find myself smiling more often. I am calmer. I am happier. Love, love, love.
I challenge you to find love. Every day. Everywhere.
Allen looked deeply into Hannah’s eyes and moved closer to her face. Their lips touched, for the first time. Allen lingered, loving the sweet sensations that coursed through his veins and Hannah felt her heart race into overdrive. Time stood still for them. Seconds or hours could have passed and neither one would have noticed.
Allen moved away from Hannah a few inches and saw her eyes were still closed as she savored the tingling in her body. Slowly she opened them and he smiled at her.
After several calming deep breaths, Hannah said, “The kiss…”
“Yes?”
“Does it mean you want to have a relationship with me?”
He hesitated, wondering where she was going with her question. “I thought I made that evident.”
“Oh, this guy really doesn’t know. Not necessarily evident. People go around kissing each other right and left all the time.”
Allen frowned. “Do you? Go around kissing other guys right and left all the time?”
“Well, no, I don’t. I didn’t know if you went around kissing other girls right and left all the time.”
“Uh… no, I don’t.”
Hannah smiled at him. “Okay, then. Did that kiss mean you want to have a relationship with me?”
“What? Are we in middle-school? Did I just pass you a note that says, ‘Do you like me? Yes? No? Check one.’”
“Very funny. I repeat, did that kiss mean you want to have a relationship with me?”
He frowned at her and then asked, “So there are limits? Boundaries?”
“Definitely.”
“Kissing is okay, then?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of kissing? Any tongue allowed?” he asked, willing to play the game with her.
“Well, yes, but limited.”
“Limited to what?” Allen asked.
“Lips, but not passed the teeth.”
“So licking your tonsils is R-rated?”
“Yes, if I still had tonsils. They were taken out when I was two.” Hannah told him.
“Can I lick your cheek?” he asked.
“Is this guy some kind of pervert with a weird cheek fetish? Why would you want to lick my cheek?” she asked him.
“I don’t know, but it could come up. It might destroy the mood if I have to ask you if it is okay, later. You know, right before I actually lick your cheek. Better to get a clarification now. And I don’t have a cheek fetish. By the way, how long have you had this disease where everything you think comes out of your mouth?” Allen asked.
“Can you believe this guy? Okay. Touching my cheek with your tongue may be alright under certain conditions.”
“Got it. Use of the tongue is conditional. What about hands?”
“So, I am allowed to touch your hands. What about your face?” Allen asked.
“When you say touch my face, what kind of touch are you thinking about?”
“A perfectly pale pink caress.” Allen started to have a lot of fun with her negotiations. He decided to go all in with her game. “And your neck is okay to touch with fingers and lips?”
“Yes.”
“Shoulders?”
“Yes.”
“Can I lick your elbow?” Allen asked.
“What? Why? We have established you don’t have a cheek fetish, but is there an elbow fetish we need to discuss?” Hannah asked.
“I don’t have a reason now, but it could come up in the future. I just want to be sure. And I don’t have any kind of fetish that I know about. You can keep that thought to yourself.”
“So what’s up with all the licking? I am picturing a St. Bernard, here. And no, I don’t like doggy kisses.”
“A St. Bernard? Oh, this girl is giving me a headache! I am trying to discover what your boundaries really are.”
“Oh, this guy who wants to lick my cheek and my elbow!” Hannah put her fingers up to her the bridge of her nose as if she were really caressing an aching head. “Okay. Again, licking my elbow may be alright under certain conditions.”
“Conditional elbow licking. Got it.” He noticed her frown and felt her start to shut down a bit. He didn’t want the game she started to end, just yet. “What’s wrong? I’m making a list for future reference. Now, what about your chest?”
“Chest? As in breasts?”
“Well, yes. All guys want to know about breasts.” He gave her his most serious look.
“If I knew you were a typical guy and not very special, I may have called all this off. Pay attention, Allen. This is a very important negotiation point. Breasts are R-rated. Plus, it should go without saying that all genitals are R-rated, too.”
“I wasn’t even going to ask about genitals. But, what if we hug? I will be able to feel your breasts touching my chest through our clothes. Are you saying no hugs?”
“Hugs are fine,” Hannah smiled because she realized he was fully playing her game.
“Yes. Back hugs are fine as long as your arms and hands remain in the PG position.”
“Okay. Arms and hands in the PG position. Now, what about feet?”
“What about them?” She asked.
“Can I caress your feet?” Allen asked
“Only after I’ve had a pedicure. What about your feet? Can I caress them?”
“Only after I’ve had a pedicure. Can I kiss your toes?”
“Weird, but the pedicure provision still stands,” Hannah said.
“You will let me know when your next pedicure appointment is, right?” Allen asked.
“So you do have a fetish. A foot fetish,” Hannah teased.
“This girl really doesn’t know.” He took a deep breath and then said, “Any part of the body can be an erogenous zone if it is approached correctly.”
“Oh, my. Do we have to start our negotiations, again? I feel like Antony Blinken at the Middle East Peace Talks. Like I am getting nowhere.”
“Who?”
“This guy is totally uninformed. Maybe I need to re-think this whole romantic relationship. Antony Blinken is the current Secretary of State under President Biden. You do know who President Biden is?”
“Oh, ha ha,” Allen said. Then, “We have actually covered a lot of ground in our negotiations. Nothing red. Just lovely pale pink. That is a major breakthrough. Do you want to continue?”
“Continue negotiations?”
“This girl really doesn’t know. I meant continue with a romantic relationship? You do realize that a romantic relationship is much deeper than girlfriend/boyfriend.”
“Deeper in what way?” she asked.
“Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships are like middle school relationships. ‘Do you like me? Yes? No? Check one.’ A romantic relationship involves the heart and real, deep feelings.”
“Deep feelings, like… love?” Hannah asked.
“Totally like love,” Allen said.
“Are you saying you love me?” Hannah asked him.
“Did you just go back to middle school? ‘Hannah, do you love me? Yes? No? Check one.’”
“Well, I’m not sure. We have to kiss again before I can answer your middle school note.”
Allen didn’t hesitate. He put his hand on her cheek and pulled her in closer. Their lips met again and he gently touched her lips with his tongue. Suddenly the kiss deepened and his other hand pulled her into a closer embrace.
Allen pulled away from her, leaving one hand holding her cheek and the other hand holding onto her shoulder blade so she couldn’t move too far away from him. “I’m ready for your answer.”
Hannah said, “Let me see. The note said, “‘Hannah, do you love me? Yes? No? Check one.’ The answer to that is ‘Yes.’ My note says, ‘Allen, do you love me? Yes? No? Check one.’”
“Hannah, I love you with all my heart.” Allen pulled her into another PG-13 kiss that lasted all day.
8:05 Up and at-em. Slowly. My body is stuck and I feel like I am moving through glue. Arthritis is to blame.
8:20 Finally made it to the bathroom.
8:45 Finished repairing the damage sleep caused. Stepped on the scales and gained a pound over the weekend. I am either eating too many chips or I am pregnant.
9:00 Dressed and made bed. See Mom? I didn’t get on the internet just to make you cry.
9:10 Breakfast gathered and brought into the office. No coffee today, because I drink decaf when I do drink coffee and not drinking coffee at all seems to be no problem. Besides, I don’t have irritating co-workers to deal with and no meetings in the breakroom that turn into marathon gab-fests.
10:30 Read the daily Bible text, Breakfast completed, perused Facebook, wrote a blog entry, checked email, checked to-do list, looked online for baby girl names.
10:35 Started working. The thing is, I work at home, doing a job that is sometimes boring and definitely tedious. But, I am saving my house. I call apartments all across the US, checking on apartment availability and pricing and then that info gets sent to the guys who hired me so they can set rates for the “daily pricing” system. Basically, apartments now charge as much as the market will bear, so no breaks on apartment rent.
12:30 Lunch break. Left-over fish fillet made into a sandwich with cheese and tartar sauce. Better than a McDonald’s fillet of fish.
1:30 Watched a guy on YouTube walking around Yokohama, Japan while I ate my lunch.
4:05 Finished working for the day. Highlights from working: Lady: I need your home address and your birthdate before I can provide any information. Me: I am simply looking for pricing and availability. I am not filling out a lease at this time. Why do you need my home address and my birthday? Lady: We need it to make sure you are honest. Me: I will look elsewhere.
4:08 Thinking about the lady I encountered. How will knowing my address and birthdate prove I am honest? I am baffled.
4:09 Turned on the TV.
5:45 Put my trash can out be the street for pick-up tomorrow. Watched an episode of Meet the Meerkats on Discovery+. And another. And another.
6:00 Ate cereal for dinner because I didn’t want my leftovers and was too lazy to cook.
6:45 Napped in my chair after dinner.
8:15 1 hour and 15 minutes of meeting with Friends on Zoom. One of my favorite things to do during the week.
9:15 Watched an episode of The Zoo. Animal shows are safe to watch. I am not old enough to watch anything that is rated “R.”
9:30 Got ready for bed. I used to just get into the bed, now I have to get ready for bed. I am older, now.
10:00 Read a book until I fell asleep.
10:01 Rudely awakened when I dropped the book on my face.
11:30 Read some more until I felt sleepy, again.
11:31 Put the book on the nightstand so I wouldn’t drop it on my face, again.
If you read all of that, I congratulate you. You have a great deal of perseverance and stamina.
Karen Writes More Than Karen Crochets 
