Humor, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Writing

Cause and Effect

I went to a doctor yesterday to find out why my hip is hurting. I have been dealing with this for a couple of months and I finally decided that maybe I needed some professional help because people are getting tired of hearing my involuntary pterodactyl screech every time I stand up or sit down. Plus, I have finally gotten really grouchy about this whole my-life-would-be-great-if-I-didn’t-have-hips routine I go through every day.

I have been dealing with Rheumatoid Arthritis for quite sometime and I assumed that the hippy pain was because of that. Exercise makes my joints feel better, but exercise is a delicate balancing act of doing just enough to feel better. One leg lift too many and I am in more agony for 3-4 days. Therefore, off to a doctor to find out what can be done.

Photo by Mehmet Turgut Kirkgoz on Unsplash

Meanwhile, back in the gym… I have been “babying” my hip and now my knees have started to hurt. Somehow, I find it difficult to see how my situation has improved.

Hence, my visit to the doctor–Dr. Eye-Candy if you are interested, because I firmly believe if one must visit a doctor, then visit a very pretty one and Dr. Eye-Candy is so very pretty. Dr. Candy tells me my knees hurting is because of normal wear and tear. Okay. But what about my hip?

Dr. Candy says, “You have arthritis, but what you don’t have is any cartilage left. Your bones are scraping together. However, we can’t do a hip replacement until you have lost about 5000 pounds. Just sayin'”

Me: What has caused this unfortunate cartilage losing episode?

Dr. Candy: Normal wear and tear. Your hip pain is normal.

Me: You have got to be kidding me. It is not normal for someone to scream in agony when they sit and normal to scream in agony again when they stand up? I mean, I have been waiting to see you for nearly forty-five minutes and plenty of people stood up and sat down and there was barely any screaming at all.

Dr. Eye-Candy:…..

Me: So, how is this normal?

Dr: It is normal for someone with RA (rheumatoid arthritis).

Me: So, what do we do?

Dr: Eventually, hip replacement, but not until you lose 50,000 pounds.

Me: It went from 5000 pounds to 50,000? That’ll take more than a minute. What do I do in the meantime? Screech in agony on a regular basis?

Dr: No. We can give you cortisone injections. But cortisone injections will make you gain weight.

Me: Kinda going in the wrong direction there, Doc.

Dr: Really, it will make you feel better… we think.

Me:…..

Dr: All we have to do it stick a big needle in your hip…

Me: Now wait just a cotton picking minute. How can sticking a big needle in my hip make it feel better?

Dr: It just will.

OK. Maybe he isn’t big on explanations, but he certainly is pretty to look at. Also, he is fun to argue with. These young pretty doctors have no clue and are totally lost when they encounter a fully mature adult female. So, instead of sticking a big needle in my hip, and after much debate and forced explanations, I opted for a change in oral medication.

Now, we wait.

Photo by Stefano Pollio on Unsplash

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